Yes, I know I haven’t posted a single entry since October. Steph has kept me painfully aware of this. I haven’t read blogs, I haven’t listened to podcasts, I have barely left my house.
I have never made it a secret that I have depression issues. It has been something I have struggled with for a long time and about this time last year, they started to get really bad again. There was no specific thing to point to, just a lot of things. I went to the doctor and said I didn’t think my meds were working. They said nothing. I went to a specialist – someone who ONLY prescribes anti-depressants (and other such fun meds for crazee people like me). I said – Dr. Specialist – I don’t think I should be crying EVERY DAY if I am on Cymbalta. His answer – up the dose. That was in July. By September, it was worse. In October, the split happened. I attribute none of my depression to him – it didn’t help, but I have to own this and I do.
Flash forward to last week. I started going to a new GP thanks to Dani.. I told her I didn’t think the meds were working. And I mentioned (as I always do) that I don’t sleep for more than 2 hours at a time ever. I am always tired. Her solution – take me off Cymbalta – she offered several solutions including getting off completely or going on something else – I have to admit, I didn’t think I would ever be OFF anti-depressants – the first lupus doc told me I would never go off, but it turns out that after a period of time Cymbalta plateaus and stops working. I passed the number of years they recommend you staying on it solid (you can go off for a few months and go back on and it will work again) by like 3. yeah. they really weren’t working for me anymore. I am tapering off now. AND I am on a new sleep med which, unlike ambien, helps me sleep instead of stay awake and just not care that I am not asleep.
I have been taking a sewing class, knitting like crazy, working a lot, traveling all over, I have some exciting things coming up, I plan to start podcasting again. I am happy. Well, I will never be a ray of sunshine, but I feel better. And I have been back in the gym and have lost 9.4 lbs in the last 3 weeks! Things are looking up.
I am thankful to my good friends who have kept me from the edge and made sure I was alive. Who asked me if I was “going to do anything stupid” (for the record the answer to that is no – I had stopped cleaning and I can’t do anything dumb and have people come to my house and be like she was crazy and liked in a mess! no way!). I had one of the best New Years ever thanks to a great friend in AZ who flew me out for the week for a visit. I had a great opportunity to do something fantastic for a good friend. I have 2 lovely kitties who love and adore me because I have thumbs and feed them.
Not that I think anyone is still out there, but I am here – and I am planning to have a great rest of the year!